how things have been
04 . 14 . 2026

my boyfriend has been bad-mouthing me for over a month. did it while he was on his trip, the one i was telling him i was so happy for him about. something similar happened to my friend not too long ago, too. what is it about going away that makes partners so keen to be cruel? maybe they just realize they don't need you anymore, as much as that hurts. maybe we just love people who don't love us back. i've broken up with him and he's all that i can think about. i'm packing up to move and with every single box there's something from him. a polaroid, a stuffed animal, a birthday card. he is so imprinted on my life, has been since before we were even teens. i just don't know how he could hurt me like that. he says he still loves me and that i'm the most important person in his life but i don't have it in me to believe him anymore. i think i'll just cry until i can't; just swallow the bullet like a pill and be done with it.

i've put a picture of something i took on a walk down below. hoping you like it.

a nice dirt hole
03 . 09 . 2026

i think i can be happy. i've been prescribed a fourth medication in the past month. abilify (for mood swings). that's not why i think i can be happy, but it feels relevant. i want to lay down in a nice dirt hole and curl up like a dog. my mom and i—i called her first—we yell-talked at eachother about how (in)competent i am. i can keep listing things. i can do this forever. rip my fucking teeth out (just kidding). they will find me underneath the water. this will not be a bad thing. i will love you, and you, and you for a million years and even past that. teal-toned embroidery floss. girls with coloured hair. one sick stomach.

looking away
03 . 03 . 2026

like most people, i'm not exactly happy with the state of things. i say like most people, but it's never as many as i think. that's just how i wish it was. a good amount of people i know ask me why i care so much. why i'm scared. why i don't just ignore it all. it's so miserable that people delude themselves into blocking out the fact that innocent people are dying, and that people in power, any sort of power, are usually the cause of it. i'm not saying that people can't be happy, i'm often happy, but i just don't know how they can turn a blind eye. the moment you prick your finger you start screaming, but someone's missing a hand and you don't even turn your head? people are desensitized. that's where they go wrong. how can you make things right if you don't care about what's happening to your own brothers? they won't even help people in their community. god forbid a homeless person exist on the same street as them, and praise god when they suddenly go missing. i just want things to get better for people. for everyone. i'm not sure if they can. i'd really like a cigarette, but i'm trying to quit. whatever